he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
