I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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