listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
