toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
