I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
