I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
