so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize