Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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