The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize