Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
