his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
