he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
