i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
