I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
