Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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