$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
