I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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