I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
