all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize