Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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