You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
