onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize