When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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