I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
