I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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