My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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