if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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