That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
