Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
