This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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