i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
