you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i believe in u and ur pee
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
