you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize