3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
