My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Im part way to drunk.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
