meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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