Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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