I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
