I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize