Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize