I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
