Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
