remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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