I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
