I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
