Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
