Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
