So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
