he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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