hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
