So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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