we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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