If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My bed smells like the plague
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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