my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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