It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
