Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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