Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
