Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
