Are we in a gay sports bar?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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