Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
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apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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