Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
