did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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