So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
