I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
